He fashions to his good use

LOS ANGELES—Sources reported Monday that “Smooth,” the 1999 collaborative effort of guitarist Carlos Santana and singer-songwriter Rob Thomas, has somehow persevered against all odds and continued to receive regular radio airplay this week. “While the projections of most experts suggested ‘Smooth’ would fade from the national consciousness within its first year, the song has actually proved surprisingly resilient over time,” noted musicologist Sidney Brown said of the No. 1 single’s inexplicable staying power. “Though it seems not to have any musical or cultural relevance whatsoever, many people, myself included, find themselves humming the track’s guitar lick at least once every other week.” At press time, the triple-platinum, Latin-tinged rock record was heard emanating from an estimated 780,022 open car windows and 2,300 department store sound systems

The unusually small man, who has refused to identify himself or give a reason for his presence in the vagina, was extremely disoriented throughout the incident, and, according to eyewitnesses, was “nude and covered in blood and gore.” Though the man strenuously resisted rescue attempts, screaming and kicking wildly at medical personnel, he has not yet been charged with any crime.

This week [Ryan Howard] hopes to lead the Phillies to their first World Series championship in more than 360 long days and end a title drought that has been punctuated by several embarrassing losses, including a 2009 opening-day defeat by the Atlanta Braves and a June loss to the Atlanta Braves. During its infamous dry spell, the team has also come up short twice, winning both an NLDS and an NLCS title but having absolutely no World Series ring to show for it.

PALO ALTO, CA—A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed that nearly two-thirds of all animal species have been adopted to describe various gay subcultures. “Many know that bears are large hairy gay men, and that otters are homosexuals who are smaller in stature but still hirsute,” said Professor Arvid Sabin, lead author of the study, which also clarifies such denotations as wolf, panda bear, dragonfly, starfish, trout, and yeti. “But do they know, for instance, that ‘chicken’ is used to describe a thin, inexperienced 18- to 29-year-old gay male? Before long, we could see homosexuals referring to one another as pelicans or even Gila monsters.” The study concluded that if immediate conservation measures are not taken, all animal species will be exhausted by 2015 and the gay community will have to start dipping into the plant kingdom.

Really?  “Otter”?  Really?  I need to step my homosexualexicon* game up.

*Cuz “gayargot” is too much of a stretch.

“We were surprised to find that not only were these phrases ineffective, but in an overwhelming number of cases they actually exacerbated the situation,” psychologist Kenneth Pulaski said. “Even when participants were told to ‘just take a deep breath,’ they became more and more irate and were eventually reduced to a screaming mess.” The study also concluded that telling someone to “just mellow out” would invariably lead to a researcher being punched in the face.

kryz:

NEW YORK—HarperCollins Publishers announced Monday that 24-year-old Islip, NY resident Gerard Dillow has accepted its offer of $250,000 to publish his Facebook status from 56 minutes ago…

Tangentially, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell only made $366,909 its opening weekend.

HAMAMATSU, JAPAN—Despite concerns over the recent global recession, Yamaha Corporation president Mitsuru Umemura announced last week that he was content with the current level of production of Jet Skis, alto saxophones, snowmobiles, power generators, scooters, and golf carts. “Initially we thought that the declining global market would result in overproduction of synthesizers, PA systems, DVD players, tone generators, and motocross bikes, but in fact our production quotas were almost perfectly attuned to the market in power amplifiers, heart-rate monitors, signal processors, analog mixers, engine oil, microphones, HiFi systems, and grand pianos,” said Umemura, who stressed that his company prides itself on attention to detail. “At the Yamaha Corporation we’re focused on one thing and one thing alone—quality sound chips, ceiling brackets, editing software, race-kart engines, sport boats, flugelhorns, ATVs, sequencers, outboard motors, conference systems, golf clubs, projectors, MIDI controllers, lamp cartridges, portable recorders, subwoofers, component systems, and motorcycles.” The Yamaha Corporation is based in Hamamatsu, Japan.

Through a months-long process of trial and error, Higby has learned the tricks of the unemployment trade. “Leaving the house every single day is very important, even if it’s just to spend a few hours at the coffee shop organizing the MP3 files on your laptop,” Higby said. “I try to be out the door by 2 or 3 in the afternoon—no exceptions. You have to get out and do something during the day in order to not feel guilty about going out drinking that night.”

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—After finding his old Super Nintendo in a routine cleaning of his attic, basketball great Michael Jordan was stunned to find that he did not appear as a playable character in the 1993 game “NBA Jam” and was at a loss to explain why. “I don’t understand. I’m Michael Jordan, I should be in that game,” said Jordan who had no success finding his likeness in the Arcade, Sega Genesis, Sega CD, Game Boy or Game Gear versions. “Scottie being there makes sense, but Horace Grant? Seriously? And how can Tom Gugliotta be in this game and not me? I could swear they paid me a $100 million licensing fee.” Jordan then popped in a copy of “Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City” and played for ten minutes before tossing the controller on the table and taking a nap.

michaelikesit:

“Mr. Patterson is so smart and nice,” said the Lakeland Academy student, completely unaware that the man five years older than her own father not only finds her equally attractive, but also has long and involved fantasies about her. “I really like his smile. And his eyes are gorgeous.”

“I know it’s silly, but I think Mr. Patterson is kind of sexy,” continued Hodgson, blushing with embarrassment and not nearly as frightened as she might be upon discovering that her teacher has a well-worn copy of her yearbook photo next to his bed.

From the Valentine’s Day issue.

Immediately following a physician’s examination for her menstrual cessation, 37-year-old events planner Janice Crowley told reporters Tuesday that she is “ecstatic” with her diagnosis of a rapidly growing intrauterine parasite. “I’m so happy!” Crowley said of the golf ball–sized, nutrient-sapping organism embedded deep in the wall of her uterus. “I was beginning to think this would never happen to me.”

Thanks to his parents’ foresight, frugal habits, and careful financial planning, Peterson has never had to worry about tuition or consider working to cover living expenses. He shows his gratitude often, stopping by his parents’ house twice a month to enjoy a home-cooked meal and relax in front of the TV watching sports.

Employees at the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant reportedly witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his worst Monday, when the unbathed and visibly exhausted freelance designer arrived at the Chinese takeout establishment at 10 a.m. and paid for his order of beef chow mein by placing seven crumpled dollar bills and half a cigarette on the counter. “He never looks too good when he comes in here,” said cashier Lin Zhou, who added that she initially thought Rumergant was a patient from the nearby methadone clinic. “I think he had a piece of a straw wrapper stuck in his hair this time. He stinks really bad.” According to the employees, Rumergant eventually shuffled out of the restaurant, started hacking uncontrollably, and spilled his food all over the sidewalk.